It Hurts

December 5, 2009 at 3:39 pm (Uncategorized)

Divorce.  That is a word that never entered my brain when I took my vows 6+ years ago.  I truely believed that I was marrying the man I would spend the rest of my life with.  But like any ailment left untreated, marrital flaws can take over and destroy what seems like the perfect marriage.

Last night my husband and I went to a therapy session.  I had hoped it might open a door for reconcilation.  He has made up his mind though that this is over.  There can be no reconcilation.  I can’t seem to wrap my mind around this. 

When the issues we were having first came out he vowed that we were going to get through this.  He loved me no matter what.  He could find forgiveness.  Three months after things came to light I was still the most amazing woman in the world to him.  Three months ago when we celebrated our anniversary I was still his whole world. 

I can’t seem to figure out when he fell out of love with me.  He says this has been an on going struggle for him.  He says that he has felt this way for months now and was afraid to say anything.  I’ve tried to seek couseling in the past but he would have none of it.  He assured me that we could get through this on our own.  He never even mentioned that he was having issues. 

Now he has moved on and left me behind.  I can’t fathom where this all came from in such a short time.  How in just a couple of months I went from being his whole world to being on my way out the door. 

No. Divorce was not something I ever thought I would see in this marriage, and yet here I sit facing such a cold end to something that brought me happiness.


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It’s So Hard to Say I’m Sorry

November 24, 2009 at 5:29 pm (Uncategorized)

I  started this blog because my husband has a blog.  He seemed to enjoy it.  It seemed like a fun thing to do and it was something we could have in common.  It was also a good way for me to talk about whatever was on my mind.  Over the last several months I’ve let it fall to the way side.   Today I’m living up to the name Escaping Thoughts of My Clutter Brain.  I have a big time thought that I need to let out.

This has been a crazy year with a lot of ups and downs.  It has been a year with many regrets and many sorrows.  As 2009 approaches its end, I can only hope that 2010 will be better. 

I am not one to get too personal.  In fact I pretty much keep everything to myself… just ask my hubby.  I am even less of one to air my dirty laundry to the world but…

In March of this year, I made the worst mistake I could possibly have made.  I strayed from my marriage and hurt the one person who has stood by me through some of the hardest moments I’ve faced in life.  I betrayed his trust and his love.  For this I will be eternally sorry.  He will never know how much I truly regret my decision.

He has been an absolute saint in dealing with this.  He chose to stay and work things out when he could have easily turned his back and walked out on me and our marriage.  But he chose to stay.   He chose to love me.  Instead of being grateful for this, I have been horrible to him. 

For months he has endured me, my bitchiness, my moodiness, and me being mean.    He has carried a huge burden and I’ve continually added to it.  I can say in all honesty that I have been a horrible wife.  I admit that to the world.

Brian, before I lose you forever I would just like to let you know a few things.  First of I am truly sorry for cheating on you.  I’m sorry for being a bitch for the past year.  I’m sorry I shut you out instead of letting you in and leaning on you when I felt weak.   I love you.  I love you for the man you are, for the man you want to be, and even the man you were before me.  I love your smile and the way your eyes dance when your amused.  I love your laugh.  I love the way you hold me and how I know I am safe in your arms.  I love the way you love me.  I love the way you look at me and make me feel like I’m the most important person in the world.  I love that you get annoyed with drivers over the smallest things.  I love that you are comfortable enough with me to cry.  I don’t really mind your anger issues.  I know deep down there is an affectionate person.  Thank you for showing me what it feels like to be truly loved.  Deep down I do know that you only had my best interests at heart.  Sorry I failed to realize that sooner.

I know that there is nothing I can do at this point to rectify the situation.  I can only hope that in time you will love me again.  I know that is hoping and asking for a lot.  With everything I have put you through, I should be grateful that you have stayed with me this long.  You are now and will always be my soul mate.  Sorry that I ever doubted that.

I will leave you with our song.  Please know that I love you dearly.  You are my whole world.  I’m so sorry I failed you.

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It’s Feel Good Friday but I Think I Just Stepped in Hippo Poo.

December 5, 2008 at 10:16 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

It has been many, many, many weeks since I have done any posting. But with Christmas just around the corner, I felt compelled to do a Feel Good Friday post this week. Aside from all the commercialism that is tied to Christmas it is still the best time of the year.

I have been plagued with this song rolling around in my head since I heard it the other day on the radio. My Friday choice this week is “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” Who doesn’t want a Hippo for Christmas?

Hopefully this post will get this song out of my head.

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Thoughts from a Lonely Blog

November 25, 2008 at 7:25 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

It’s been weeks since my writer has bothered to visit me. She use to visit atleast twice a week and somtimes three. She would post her sad melancholly Monday posts. And her upbeat Friday posts. And occasionally there would be a countdown or perhaps a fond memory of growing up.
But lately I guess there have been other things to attract her attention.   And so…I sit here all alone hoping that she will remember me and visit. Even if it is just to check her comments. Not that are any because to would want to post comments to a blog with no new blogs. Oh well. If you see her would you let her know I miss her and hope she will be back to blogging again soon.

Thanks you.


The Blog of the Cluttered Brain



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Melancholy Monday – Running Up That Hill

October 6, 2008 at 11:26 am (Monday, Music) (, , , )

Another weekend gone.  Another work week to face.  That can only mean it is Monday again.  Unfortunately I am sick today which means I am feeling a bit more melancholy than usual.  So, I’m not even going to write much.  I’m just going to give my song for the day and go lay down again. 

I’ve chosen the Placebo remake of the Kate Bush song Running Up That Hill.

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Don’t Fight the Feel Good Friday

October 3, 2008 at 12:10 am (Friday, Music) (, , )

It is Friday again !! YAY!!!!   Whoo hoo!  Unfortunately, unlike my significant other, I do have to go to work today before I can start enjoying the weekend.  But then I get two wonderful days of much needed relaxation.  As many of you know, Friday is not just your average everyday week day, but it is Feel Good Friday which means much pomp and circumstance is given to this day by myself and many of my fellow bloggers. 

This week I have picked the song Don’t Fight It by Kenny Loggins and Journey’s classic lineup singer Steve Perry.  This song always puts me in a feel good frame of mind.  Now I’m off to fight traffic and the next 8 hours of work so I can start my weekend.  Happy Friday everyone.

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Melancholy Monday – Everybody Hurts

September 29, 2008 at 12:15 am (Monday, Music) (, , )

BOO!!!!!  The weekend is gone again which means its Monday which means its time to go back to work which means having to deal with another week of yuckie stuff.  UGH!!! 

To fit my mood of sheer and utter depression, I have selected the song Everybody Hurts by REM. 


Now that I’ve totally depressed myself, I’m going to go fix me a stiff cup of coffee and cry.

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Honey, I Blew an Egg

September 28, 2008 at 10:22 am (Breakfast) (, , , )

Have any of you seen this. My friend SueBoo was kind enough to e-mail it to Hubby and I a few days ago.   It played an imporant role in my adventures in breakfast this morning.

On this lovely September morning Hubby and I got up and wandered into the kitchen to see what good eats we had.  As we opened the refrigerator, we took a brief inventory and realized our food supplies are running on the low side as I need to make a trip to the grocers and we still have a couple of days until pay day.  Hmmm… seven eggs, bread, no milk, no butter, no breakfast meats, jelly and other assorted condiments.  There was also a loaf of summer squash bread that I had recently made as well as two fresh loaves of honey wheat bread that I made yesterday.  Apparently I have been in a very domestic mood lately and have been baking bread out the wazoo (not literally, but you catch my meaning…hopefully).

Ok.  So, eggs and toast with jam it is.  We decided on scrambled eggs.  I cracked the first egg and then decided that I could make egg salad sandwiches instead.  He mentioned using the directions for easy peeling hard boiled eggs from the e-mail we had received.  Brilliant!  I fried up the first egg and while he ate it he went to check on the directions.  He came back shortly and announced that I needed to add baking soda to the eggs while they boiled, to boil them for 12 minutes, and then to move them to a bowl of ice.  Then take each end off the eggs and blow the egg out.  Simple enough, right? 

I had already put the eggs on to boil while he had been checking for the directions.  I quickly added the baking soda as he had said to do and set the timer for 12 minutes.  Then I filled a bowl with ice, added some water since it seemed that the eggs might submerge a little easier into the icy depths, and sat and patiently waited for the eggs to boil.

The timer finally sounded and I quickly moved my hard boiled treats to the ice bath.  After a few seconds of chilling, I removed my first eggs from the water, cracked each end, peeled away the shell, and then blew the egg.  The egg DID NOT come out of its shell.  In fact, all I managed to do was crush the shell in my hands and rupture a blood vessel in my brain. 

I peeled the shell, rinsed it off, and stuck it in a second bowl.  “Hmmmm… What do you suppose I did wrong?”  I asked as I picked up a second egg.  I went through the same steps again, although, I did try to be a little gentler so as not to crush the shell again.  Again crushed egg shell, ruptured blood vessel in the brain, and I think I may of have managed to burst something in my left lung as well.  What the hell?  This was definitely not working, but I was not about to give up.

I picked up the third egg, carefully chipped away the ends, and tried with all my might to blow the egg.  It teased me with a whistle as it released just a little, but refused to abandoned it’s shelly abode.  By this time I am feeling quite dizzy and light headed.  I again hand peeled the egg, rinsed it and put it in the second bowl.  Hubby, who had wandered into another room returns at this point and asks if I’m whistling.  The following exchange takes place.

Hubby,  “Are you whistling?”

Me, “No, it was the egg.”

Hubby, “Pehaps you should stop before you have a stroke.  I can see me explaining to the doctor that you had a stroke from blowing an egg.”

Thanks for the confidence and being more concerned about having to tell the doctor that I had a stroke from blowing an egg than the actually fact that I had had a stroke.  Feel the love, feel the love.  So, moving on I picked up egg number 4.  Followed the same previous pattern of steps.  After a long whistle, it finally popped out of its shell.  YAY!!!!  I finally got one to work.  I rinsed it off and put it in the bowl.  Feeling triumphant I moved on to the next to the last egg.  It did not work.  All I managed to do was blow the shell into two sections, both of which refused to let go.  Grrrr…  I hand peeled it and quickly moved on to the last egg.  It, of course, went the way of the first three.  

So, all I can say about the easy peel hard boiled eggs is…. MY ASS.  All I got out of the experience is a headache, sore lungs, sore cheeks, and a mouth full of egg shells. 

To top things off when I sat down to write this post I perused the directions.  I noticed that the directions say to add the baking soda to the ice bath not the boiling water as Hubby had instucted me to do.  Uh Hmmm.  Next time he can blow the eggs.

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The Hits from Coast to Coast – September 26, 1970

September 28, 2008 at 12:10 am (American Top 40, Music) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

For those of you who have been reading my blog, I have not given up on my weekly segment of The Hits from Coast to Coast.  It has been on hiatus for the past few weeks due to all the stuff I have had going on.  I haven’t had the time to devote to but it is back and better than ever.  Well, actually it is about the same but it is back.

This week I have thrown my dart and landed on a date in a time that I did not exist.  So put your time traveling shoes and climb inside the time traveling phone booth we are heading to the date September 26, 1970. 

Let’s see what else was happening on this day back in 1976.  Judy Rankin wins LPGA Lincoln-Mercury golf opening.  Wow, that is more than exciting.   Hmm…let’s see anything else exciting happen on this day …. According to the archives, nothing else was happening on this day in 1970, but it was very exciting for other years in history but we aren’t traveling to those so we will move on.

This week on the countdown are top ten are……………………………………..

#10 25 or 6 to 4 by Chicago
#9 (I know) I’m Losing You by Rare Earth
#8 Snow Bird by Anne Murray
#7 Candida by Dawn
#6 Cracklin’ Rosie by Neil Diamond
#5 Julie, Do Ya Love Me by Bobby Sherman
#4 Patches by Clarence Carter
#3 Lookin’ Out My Backdoor by Credence Clearwater Revival
#2 War by Edwin Starr

And the # 1 hit for this day back in 1970 was

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Diana Ross

The number one song is somewhat of a let down compaired to the other songs that were in the top ten, but at least I knew almost all the songs this week.

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I’m Feeling a Bit Under the Tether

September 26, 2008 at 6:21 pm (Childhood) (, , )

I was sitting at my desk today when a sudden thought escaped my brain without any warning what so ever.  I’m not sure what brought it.  I normally never think about it.  In fact, it is probably most often the furthest thing from my thoughts.  But today for whatever reason it escaped the cobwebs of my mind and made its escape in the forefront of my tiny, ever so populated brain.  It was………..the memory of……………………………………THIS





Yep.  Tetherball. Can you believe that?  Who has random thoughts of playing tetherball?  It wasn’t like I just watched Napoleon Dinamite or something.  It wasn’t like “oh man, I have so got to go play me some tetherball right now.”  It was just a random memory of playing tetherball with my brother while we were growing up.  And it came completely out of no where. 

As I recall I was not all that great at the “sport” of tetherball.  Probably because I was only six and my brother was ten.  I don’t think I know any six year old that are that great at tetherball.   I don’t know any six years that play tetherball.  I don’t think I even know any six year olds at all.  But any how, I digress.  What I’m trying to say is that I was in fact a wimp at the age of six, at least in the area of sports.

So any how, on weekends and summer break my brother and I (and my sister before she started driving) use to ride our bikes into town from our house.  Our house was about seven miles from the small farming community in which we lived.  It took about hour.  When we got to town we would usually head the my mom’s place of employment, get a soda and snack, and then head to the school yard to play.  Most often we would end up at the tetherball/basketball court.

As I mentioned earlier, I was a wimp and sucked at the game which usually ended with me stomping off, pissed that my brother who almost always would hit the damn thing so hard that it would whirl around the post at rocket speeds with no hope what so ever in me hitting.  I would just stand there…lips pursed…brow furrowed while he would just laugh and laugh.  Occasionally, he would throw me a bone though and let me win a few. 

I haven’t seen a tetherball in so long.  I wonder do they even still make them?

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