It’s So Hard to Say I’m Sorry

November 24, 2009 at 5:29 pm (Uncategorized)

I  started this blog because my husband has a blog.  He seemed to enjoy it.  It seemed like a fun thing to do and it was something we could have in common.  It was also a good way for me to talk about whatever was on my mind.  Over the last several months I’ve let it fall to the way side.   Today I’m living up to the name Escaping Thoughts of My Clutter Brain.  I have a big time thought that I need to let out.

This has been a crazy year with a lot of ups and downs.  It has been a year with many regrets and many sorrows.  As 2009 approaches its end, I can only hope that 2010 will be better. 

I am not one to get too personal.  In fact I pretty much keep everything to myself… just ask my hubby.  I am even less of one to air my dirty laundry to the world but…

In March of this year, I made the worst mistake I could possibly have made.  I strayed from my marriage and hurt the one person who has stood by me through some of the hardest moments I’ve faced in life.  I betrayed his trust and his love.  For this I will be eternally sorry.  He will never know how much I truly regret my decision.

He has been an absolute saint in dealing with this.  He chose to stay and work things out when he could have easily turned his back and walked out on me and our marriage.  But he chose to stay.   He chose to love me.  Instead of being grateful for this, I have been horrible to him. 

For months he has endured me, my bitchiness, my moodiness, and me being mean.    He has carried a huge burden and I’ve continually added to it.  I can say in all honesty that I have been a horrible wife.  I admit that to the world.

Brian, before I lose you forever I would just like to let you know a few things.  First of I am truly sorry for cheating on you.  I’m sorry for being a bitch for the past year.  I’m sorry I shut you out instead of letting you in and leaning on you when I felt weak.   I love you.  I love you for the man you are, for the man you want to be, and even the man you were before me.  I love your smile and the way your eyes dance when your amused.  I love your laugh.  I love the way you hold me and how I know I am safe in your arms.  I love the way you love me.  I love the way you look at me and make me feel like I’m the most important person in the world.  I love that you get annoyed with drivers over the smallest things.  I love that you are comfortable enough with me to cry.  I don’t really mind your anger issues.  I know deep down there is an affectionate person.  Thank you for showing me what it feels like to be truly loved.  Deep down I do know that you only had my best interests at heart.  Sorry I failed to realize that sooner.

I know that there is nothing I can do at this point to rectify the situation.  I can only hope that in time you will love me again.  I know that is hoping and asking for a lot.  With everything I have put you through, I should be grateful that you have stayed with me this long.  You are now and will always be my soul mate.  Sorry that I ever doubted that.

I will leave you with our song.  Please know that I love you dearly.  You are my whole world.  I’m so sorry I failed you.

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