It Hurts

December 5, 2009 at 3:39 pm (Uncategorized)

Divorce.  That is a word that never entered my brain when I took my vows 6+ years ago.  I truely believed that I was marrying the man I would spend the rest of my life with.  But like any ailment left untreated, marrital flaws can take over and destroy what seems like the perfect marriage.

Last night my husband and I went to a therapy session.  I had hoped it might open a door for reconcilation.  He has made up his mind though that this is over.  There can be no reconcilation.  I can’t seem to wrap my mind around this. 

When the issues we were having first came out he vowed that we were going to get through this.  He loved me no matter what.  He could find forgiveness.  Three months after things came to light I was still the most amazing woman in the world to him.  Three months ago when we celebrated our anniversary I was still his whole world. 

I can’t seem to figure out when he fell out of love with me.  He says this has been an on going struggle for him.  He says that he has felt this way for months now and was afraid to say anything.  I’ve tried to seek couseling in the past but he would have none of it.  He assured me that we could get through this on our own.  He never even mentioned that he was having issues. 

Now he has moved on and left me behind.  I can’t fathom where this all came from in such a short time.  How in just a couple of months I went from being his whole world to being on my way out the door. 

No. Divorce was not something I ever thought I would see in this marriage, and yet here I sit facing such a cold end to something that brought me happiness.


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It’s So Hard to Say I’m Sorry

November 24, 2009 at 5:29 pm (Uncategorized)

I  started this blog because my husband has a blog.  He seemed to enjoy it.  It seemed like a fun thing to do and it was something we could have in common.  It was also a good way for me to talk about whatever was on my mind.  Over the last several months I’ve let it fall to the way side.   Today I’m living up to the name Escaping Thoughts of My Clutter Brain.  I have a big time thought that I need to let out.

This has been a crazy year with a lot of ups and downs.  It has been a year with many regrets and many sorrows.  As 2009 approaches its end, I can only hope that 2010 will be better. 

I am not one to get too personal.  In fact I pretty much keep everything to myself… just ask my hubby.  I am even less of one to air my dirty laundry to the world but…

In March of this year, I made the worst mistake I could possibly have made.  I strayed from my marriage and hurt the one person who has stood by me through some of the hardest moments I’ve faced in life.  I betrayed his trust and his love.  For this I will be eternally sorry.  He will never know how much I truly regret my decision.

He has been an absolute saint in dealing with this.  He chose to stay and work things out when he could have easily turned his back and walked out on me and our marriage.  But he chose to stay.   He chose to love me.  Instead of being grateful for this, I have been horrible to him. 

For months he has endured me, my bitchiness, my moodiness, and me being mean.    He has carried a huge burden and I’ve continually added to it.  I can say in all honesty that I have been a horrible wife.  I admit that to the world.

Brian, before I lose you forever I would just like to let you know a few things.  First of I am truly sorry for cheating on you.  I’m sorry for being a bitch for the past year.  I’m sorry I shut you out instead of letting you in and leaning on you when I felt weak.   I love you.  I love you for the man you are, for the man you want to be, and even the man you were before me.  I love your smile and the way your eyes dance when your amused.  I love your laugh.  I love the way you hold me and how I know I am safe in your arms.  I love the way you love me.  I love the way you look at me and make me feel like I’m the most important person in the world.  I love that you get annoyed with drivers over the smallest things.  I love that you are comfortable enough with me to cry.  I don’t really mind your anger issues.  I know deep down there is an affectionate person.  Thank you for showing me what it feels like to be truly loved.  Deep down I do know that you only had my best interests at heart.  Sorry I failed to realize that sooner.

I know that there is nothing I can do at this point to rectify the situation.  I can only hope that in time you will love me again.  I know that is hoping and asking for a lot.  With everything I have put you through, I should be grateful that you have stayed with me this long.  You are now and will always be my soul mate.  Sorry that I ever doubted that.

I will leave you with our song.  Please know that I love you dearly.  You are my whole world.  I’m so sorry I failed you.

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It’s Feel Good Friday but I Think I Just Stepped in Hippo Poo.

December 5, 2008 at 10:16 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

It has been many, many, many weeks since I have done any posting. But with Christmas just around the corner, I felt compelled to do a Feel Good Friday post this week. Aside from all the commercialism that is tied to Christmas it is still the best time of the year.

I have been plagued with this song rolling around in my head since I heard it the other day on the radio. My Friday choice this week is “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” Who doesn’t want a Hippo for Christmas?

Hopefully this post will get this song out of my head.

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Thoughts from a Lonely Blog

November 25, 2008 at 7:25 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

It’s been weeks since my writer has bothered to visit me. She use to visit atleast twice a week and somtimes three. She would post her sad melancholly Monday posts. And her upbeat Friday posts. And occasionally there would be a countdown or perhaps a fond memory of growing up.
But lately I guess there have been other things to attract her attention.   And so…I sit here all alone hoping that she will remember me and visit. Even if it is just to check her comments. Not that are any because to would want to post comments to a blog with no new blogs. Oh well. If you see her would you let her know I miss her and hope she will be back to blogging again soon.

Thanks you.


The Blog of the Cluttered Brain



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Flight of the Maxi Pad

September 17, 2008 at 7:50 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

While leaving work yesterday in a comatosed state from the endless phone calls we’ve been receiving, I noticed the most bizarre and disgusting thing as I was headed out to meet Hubby and head home. As I neared the security doors that lead to lobby, I noticed that someone had lost a feminine product.  No… it had not fallen out of there purse still nicely wrapped.  Apparently, it some how escaped her undies to slip either from a skirt or perhaps slithered down her pants leg to the floor, but as I came to the door, there it was, 1large, white maxi with wings just lay there.

I was completely stunned to say the least.  I couldn’t help but think, “Oh my God!!”.  How did this get here?” I am a woman.  I have been getting my visitor for about twenty years now, and in all that time I have never used a product in way that would lead to it abandoning ship.  And how could the person not notice that she lost it?  Is that possible?  I mean did she get home yesterday and think “oh my, where could that have gotten to?”  You would have to be completely numb in your nether regions to not realise that your personal hygene product is escaping your panties. 

I quickly side stepped the item and headed out the doors.  As I jumped in the car, I immediately told Hubby of my encounter.  His reply was of course, “you definitely need to blog that”.

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Vacation Day 7 – The Hermitage

September 4, 2008 at 8:27 pm (Uncategorized, Vacation) (, , )

Hubby and I have always enjoyed visiting historical places. Today we decided to go here. I have never been to the Hermitage so I was very excited to get a glimpse of the home of our countries 7th president.

We wandered from the welcome center up the drive to the front of the Hermitage.  There were people dressed it period clothing that gave us a tour of the house.  Afterwards, we were free to wander the property and explore the others buildings.

Brian takes a break from the walk to pose under a magnolia tree.

Now I pose. 

The garden was really nice.  In a far corner of the garden, you will find the family graveyard along with the monument containing the graves of Andrew and Rachel Jackson.

I decided to test out the image feature on my camera.  I can choose to take pictures in several different color settings.  I decided on the sepia setting for the rest of the pictures.

The picture above is the spring house on the property.  If you follow the stream up it will bring you to a location where several slave quarters once stood. 

The barn that use to stand here burned or fell.  They moved this barn from another farm, but it is dated to the same time that Jackson would have lived at the Hermitage. 

They have a small field of cotton growing on the property.  All of the pods were still closed on the day we visited, but come fall they will begin bursting open and little balls of seedy cotton will be ready to pick.

The above is a grave of Alfred, one of the slaves that worked at the Hermitage.  Even after emancipation he chose to stay and work at the Hermitage.  When the Hermitage open in 1889, Alfred was among those who gave tours of the house and plantation.  He worked here until his death.  He is buried in the garden beside the Andrew and Rachel’s monument.

Here is a picture of the rear of the Hermitage.

The above is two room slave cabin located just off the backyard of the Hermitage.  Each room has a loft, and housed an entire slave family. 

Just a picture of a field an pasture.

After our tour of the Hermitage, we headed to White House to watch the freshman Hendersonville Comandos play the Blue Devils.  Hendersonville lost, and Little Harry didn’t get to play again unfortunately.

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Vacation Extravaganza – Day 1

August 29, 2008 at 2:10 pm (Uncategorized)

So as I have mentioned in my previous posts, Hubby and I are on vacation this week. Our vacation officially started at 11:30 for Hubby and 12:00 for me on Friday. We headed back to L’burg after work, grabbed a quick lunch at Subway, and then headed to the house for a little relaxation before we headed to Hendersonville for Little Harry’s first football game.

I’m not sure that the person who made these realize that Bucs is short for Buccaneers. Hmmmm… perhaps someone should tell them that pirates and deer are completely different.

When we got to the school, they were having a talegate party, which they evidently do before each home game. We grabbed some dinner and then headed to the parking lot to have some chat time with Harry’s mom, step-dad, and Hubby’s parents. While we were partaking of the all the goodies I noticed a guy walking around wearing a shirt that said COMMANDO PRIDE. When I inquired about the shirt meaning he was proud of not wearing underwear, I was quickly informed that the Commando was their mascot and not to make fun of it. Ooops!

Kick-off started at 7:00 and the game end somewhere between 8:30 and 9:00.

Unfortunately, Harry was not feeling too well and didn’t get to participate in the game, but the Cammandos still managed to beat the Beach Buccaneers 7 – 0.

After the game, Hubby and I stopped at Starbucks for a couple of Venti White Chocolate Mochas before heading to the house for some much needed rest. All in all, it was a pretty good start to the vacation week.

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It’s Feel Good Friday and I’m Yours

August 22, 2008 at 12:10 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

Well.. It is Friday again, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. It’s been a long week…month…year. One more week and I will officially be on vacation. I can’t wait! Although I have to admit, I have been a bit on the pessimistic side every time Hubby and I approach the subject of vacation. It is a little depressing to me that you spend all these months looking forward to one week…or two depending on the situation, and then whoosh, zoom, bam… the week is over and you have nothing to look forward to the rest of the year except the holiday weekends in November and December. It is all so very depressing.

So this week I really had to do some searching to find a song to put me in a feel good mood so I won’t be such a Debbie Downer.

My choice this week is the Jason Mraz song I’m Yours. Hearing the ukulele in this song, I can’t help but think of sitting on beach under a coconut palm, watching the waves, and sipping a fru fru drink while a light breeze tossles my hair. Ahhhhh…I don’t think there could be anything more relaxing than that. Too bad we are not getting to go to the beach for vacation. Oh well, I can listen to this song and dream.

Happy Friday everyone.

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Melancholy Monday – Down In a Hole

August 18, 2008 at 6:00 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

Another weekend come and gone. Another Monday on the horizon. Blehk!!!
The only good thing to look forward to today is a job interview that I have for a promotion in the company. Other than that it is just another Melancholy. My selection this week is Down In a Hole by Alice In Chains. Mondays tend to make me feel like I am in a hole trying to dig my way out especially when I start the day in a major fog which I am doing as I am still recovering from last week and my marathon evening of Olympic games watching. Happy Monday everyone. Hope the week gets off to a good start.

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It’s Friday – Don’t Look Back

August 15, 2008 at 12:10 am (Uncategorized) (, , )

Another work week has almost come and gone. Hurrah for Friday!!!
For feel good Friday this week I have chosen the Boston classic Don’t Look Back. I can’t help but be in a good mood when I listen to the lyrics of this song, especially when the open rode I’m traveling is taking me far away from work. Happy Friday everyone. Hopefully good things await in the weekend ahead.

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